To be asked to write this is in itself a huge compliment to how far I’ve come in just 2 years. April 2017 – I was starting to show obvious signs of burnout and fatigue, probably from the emotional stress being two months away from birth, in a job I’d grown to hate over the last six months, not to mention the countless trips to North Tees Hospital for growth scans, Doppler scans, fluid analysis, I think by the time Barney was born on 26th June we had somewhere between 25 and 30 scans in total! April though – and I was acting so out of character that I scarcely believe it is I type it. I wasn’t the best boyfriend at that point, probably at any point, but I had to put myself first or the likelihood of Barney ever actually meeting his dad would have been slim. I had suicidal thoughts, which isn’t the first time I’ve had them, however, this time I knew I had to hold on. I’d acted on these thoughts previously and regretted it, I knew they were temporary, I knew that I had a reason to push through.
I was supposed to be at work for 11a.m. but I couldn’t face it, and I couldn’t speak to just anyone, I had to text my dad and hope he would keep me safe as he had done previously. I told him I would be turning my phone off and he should contact me on a friend’s phone, I couldn’t face the world, I couldn’t face what was going on. I stayed with a friend, because I knew isolation in those moments would possibly be detrimental. I guess one thing to come from negative experiences is knowledge, and my previous experience of suicidal thoughts which lead to attempts was a combination of isolation and alcohol, so yeah, I didn’t drink either. One thing I did do though was be A.W.O.L from work for a period of 4 days without any contact from dad, Barney’s mam (that’s north east England way of saying mum/ mom) insisted she contact him to intervene. I agreed, and dad picked me up within an hour or so. Typically, and unbeknown to us, dads mobile actually broke on the Sunday evening beforehand, I know, talk about timing right?
I went to see my G.P who declared me unfit for work, gave me some contact numbers of local counsellors to access, I requested to not have medication prescribed, to this day I’m still unsure why, because having since becoming a huge advocate for mental health and recovery, I tell people “whatever it takes to get fit again”. In either way, I did access counselling and it did really help me on the path to recovery, it taught me the importance of self-care, the importance of setting goals, the importance of talking, the importance of listening. It taught me that “if you never gets things off your chest, you’ll never be able to breathe” and that has stuck with me since, that is why I now use my voice to influence others, because silence is deadly. To use my experience in a positive way is the only way, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Dan Poole, 2018
Back to the pregnancy, Barney was still showing as under weight on the scans and a date was set for our inducement, 3 weeks before full term. We went in on 25th June, Barney made his debut appearance on the 26th, which has its own significance. The same date of mine and Barney’s mam’s first date, the same day as my amazing Nana’s birthday too (albeit, a slightly large age gap). It was amazing to watch my son born, it was absolutely terrifying to cut the cord, as you can see quite evidently below. He was on the jaundice machine within minutes, his lungs weren’t expanding properly, his breathing was all over, rapidly breathing lots of breathe’s or sometimes not breathing for several seconds, he was jaundice too but what really did scare the shit out of me was the words “suspected sepsis” within his notes. I didn’t, and still don’t know much about sepsis, but I know that it’s a huge killer in our country. I don’t understand the need that people have to Google symptoms or illnesses and end up diagnosing themselves with bowel cancer when in fact it’s a touch of IBS. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and definitely in those moments I had no intention of knowing more about sepsis. He was whisked off to the High Dependency Unit (HDU) where he would stay for 8 days in total.
Barney had to stay in an incubator to start with, I was asked to leave the hospital that night, well that 3am I should say, as men weren’t allowed to stay on the unit overnight. Thankfully the house is a stones throw away from the hospital so I was there from 8am every morning till 9- 10pm every night. It was an emotional bombardment at times, the world around me seemed to crumble, I lost a friend in a freak accident, one of my idol’s, my outlet’s when I need some me time, a person so high in my estimation that I used the basis of a song title as the name of my own mental health organisation – more on that later, Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park, one of my favourite bands, took his own life. I remember being sat in the shower listening to “One More Light” and tears just started streaming about as much as the shower did. Mine and Barney’s mam’s relationship was hanging by a thread, but we had something to look forward too. The journey really started to feel like it was going to change, I had set myself a goal of taking on a white collar boxing match while going through counselling. I was raising money and awareness for MIND mental health charity. I shared a small part of my battle with depression and anxiety, along with suicide attempt #2 as the motivation into competing in this glamorous black tie event. Of course I dedicated the fight to my late pal Jordan, so to come away with an unanimous decision win was some feeling!!!
Sometimes though nothing can be done. Barney’s mam and I were at breaking point, it had gotten quite difficult, sometimes volatile, it was at a point where we brought out the worst in each other, not to mention Christmas was on our doorstep, which in spite what the world tries to tell you, isn’t, “the most wonderful time of the year”. No, no, no!! Christmas at the best of times is one of the most stressful for individuals, families, parents, and definitely those who suffer with ill mental health. Although we broke up; we all spent Christmas together, for which I can’t thank her enough. Barney obviously didn’t have a clue at 6 months old what Christmas was about, but it’s the time together which is most important at that time of year. “Presence, not presents” is a quote I’ve grown to love over the last few years, because it’s absolutely true. Last Christmas, the absolutely sheer BUZZ!!! on his face when he opened his £5 plastic Daddy pig and George Pig from home bargains was the evidence I needed for that one. I haven’t mentioned November 17 and the birth of my other baby, One More Life – which is now 18 months strong, and active on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter – Just Search @OneMoreLifeStockton (take off kton for Twitter) to follow what i’m up to.
A purpose where you say to yourself; “I have to get through this” rather than “how the hell am I going to get through this?”
Any motivational video on YouTube.
Now, I could sit here and write until the hills had eyes about my dedication to one more life, the things I’ve been involved with since doing so, or my future plans for it, but that isn’t what this blog is for. This blog is to demonstrate that hopefully with the right mind set, the will to not give in, and the courage to stand up when the world around you including your own self wants to stay down or worse, you need to find your own purpose in life. A purpose where you say to yourself; “I have to get through this” rather than “how the hell am I going to get through this?” Opportunities to crumble are everywhere, opportunities to flourish are equally everywhere, which opportunity are you looking for? I had to stay with a friend for a couple month last year while I looked for my own place, during those months I got my Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) and Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) – two courses I aspire to instruct in the near future.
Despite never having my own place before, despite never working with children AT ALL before – to now to be working as a support worker 1-2-1 for extremely complex cases of children with both physical and mental health defects, oh and night shifts for the first time too, which are especially good for that “I have absolutely no idea what is going on in my life” look. Despite no help from local authority either personally or professionally I was doing okay, despite living alone and having more time to think, therefore more time to crumble myself, I had adopted a set of rituals which had served me well over those last few months and really boosted my energy levels, happiness, and mental strength. I meditated, I exercised, I kept a gratitude diary, I was helping others, I maintained regular contact with Barney and financial commitments to Barney’s mam (of course that should always be the case, but we all know it doesn’t in a lot of circumstances.) I was re-building my own foundations, while still laying the foundations of One More Life for the first time.
Due to the length of this blog! Some might not be surprised to hear that this is my first ever one, so I do hope people are still reading!! I am pleased, although probably not as much as anyone who’s made it this far, to say it is coming to an end. Not that I haven’t enjoyed writing it, because I love to get lost in sentences, I’m sure time-served bloggers like my pal with the red balloons – Claire would agree, (btw her blog is immense – check it out! I don’t know how but she is @thegirlwiththeredballoons), it’s emotionally draining just writing about these experiences . Just want to wrap this up by saying that Barney is happy, he is healthy, and me and his mam are on such good terms that we have booked to take Barney away for his birthday next year to Marrakech! Living with mental illness doesn’t define you, your past experiences don’t define you, your current circumstances don’t define you, the decisions that you make in the current moment, they are what define you. Choose wisely.
Peace out ya’ll, thanks for reading, leave a comment or follow One More Life on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram because remember – we are always #StrongerTogether
Dan Poole, any given opportunity.
Survivor - in every sense. 